The title of this post works on a plethora of levels, and I don’t just mean underground through the pipes and tunnels of American sewer systems across the continent. I shat my bowels out and got a headache earlier tonight. My last post was fauning over a girl. Unsurprisingly, so is this one. The last girl I wrote about was separated from me by physical distance. Unsurprisingly, so is this one.
What’s different about this one is that I’m feeling some type of way about someone significantly younger than me. I didn’t think I ever would, and yet here we are.
I always had the unofficial rule in my head that spouses should be a maximum of 4 years apart in age. I guess I came up with that number because it made “sense” for a freshman to date a senior, whether in high school or in college. Today (yesterday, technically) I learned about the unofficial rule more commonly used for dating: half your age plus 7.
The girl in question follows the latter rule and not my personal one. I guess that’s why they say “the heart wants what it wants.” But also it’s so stupid; for like half the week I was telling myself she’s a literal child, chill out and now at the end of it I’m moping about yet another if only we met later on in life situation. This is unironically the third time I’ve felt spousal potential with someone and very, very little possibility or plausibility of making that potential into romantic reality.
My good sense is telling me not to pursue anything; let it cook, as the kids say these days, until we’re both older and our life experiences are more shared than forgotten. My recent memory is saying to be straight up, but way slower and more calm about it than I was at the beginning of the year (not that anyone cares, but I did have a brief talking stage in January with someone else. It didn’t eat me up so I didn’t publish anything about it. Lesson lived and learned there lol.) Some advice is leaning toward playing the game and rizzing it up, other advice is bonking me to horni jail, and the best advice is telling me to ask God for guidance.
I prayed to God about a girl at the Two Holy Cities, in the Two Holy Mosques, and to this day I’m still friends with that girl, but it went absolutely nowhere with her romantically. I’m not at all upset or complaining about that. I think my dua in sajda in front of the Ka’aba during Salat al Asr was answered and that our friendship was surely the best thing. My istikhara was answered in January for that other person and it ended easily (for me at least). My fear or worry is that as I once again begin istikhara, that rather than God creating a pathway toward my latest pedestal piece, He’ll instead close it off permanently.
I suppose that isn’t a bad thing, but like damn, a dude wants to find love, you know? Lol. The halal way at that. How many times am I gonna go through the same thing with a solid girl from a good family with similar values and religiosity? I don’t know and I hope not too many, but I guess Allah knows best.
I have a lot more I can write but my eyes are drooping, my head heavy, and I have a long drive at 6am. Pray for me, readers, pray that I have peace in my heart and my mind. Pray that you don’t go through the turmoil I’ve been going through–for years at this point.
والله خير الماكرين
Ruminations of a Brown Redneck 