Phantom

I caught feelings for an idea.

I’m sure you’ve read or watched or heard a discussion in which someone describes calling in love with the idea of someone. I’ve definitely been there before. What I mean now is even less than that. I just realized that this puppy dog crush I thought I had was just seasonal and situational vibes messing with my head. I now know that the delusionship I was building up —as rom-com’ly plausible it might still be —wasn’t based in any actual feelings, real or imagined.

I didn’t fall in love with the idea of her nor with her. We literally just met, so I don’t really have a solid grasp on that idea, so I can’t love it. As delusional and unhinged I am, I’m not stupid. Even my fantasy needs some grounding in reality.

I spiraled down the rabbit hole of the idyllic nature of everything she has going for her as a potential spouse. She’s from a good family, has a good character, is pretty, etc etc etc. That’s what kept spinning in my head for a few days straight a few weeks ago, and it bullied me into thinking I had a crush on her.

I used to be the kind of guy to catch feelings really easily. I thought that i had grown out of that, that I had matured and was both smarter and harder as a result. I know I’m more mature than previously, because that’s just the way my life has been going. “thank u, next” talking stages have taught me more about myself at each instance and made me more jaded toward women generally and less of a romantic. But I guess that “hopeless romantic” deeper within is still alive and kicking, not dormant and somber. It’s no less of a phantom than this most recent infatuation. It still makes me overthink and daydream, reimagine and fantasize, ruminate and philosophize.

I don’t know whether I consider this a regression or a good thing. I don’t know how to interpret it, honestly. It just is a fact of my life, I suppose.

This is kind of a shitty post. I just had a moment of clarity late last night and needed to write it out. Til next time.