No role models and I’m here right now
No role models to speak of, I’m searching through my memory
My memory, I couldn’t find one…

-J. Cole

 

I’m not a bad person. I’m not a good person. I’m a person. I have my vices and virtues.

I strive to better myself, but fail daily. These failures make me weary, but never dreary, for God’s mercy is never-failing. Rarely do I act fairly, unless I’m being parried, by those greater than me.

But lately it’s been scary. Despite not judging and wishing not to be judged, despite not caring and wishing not to be cared about, despite being me and not someone else, I am looked up to. Arrogant as it seems, but factual it is, for juniors often hold their seniors at a heroic standard.

And it scares me shitless.

Yeah, I’m a person but this person is not someone I’d want my 4-7 year old self to hold in any regard, nevermind as one to model his/her lifestyle after. I’m kind of smart, but that quality is washed away by my grotesque nature of “f-your-feelings” and “give-no-f’s.”

Obviously, as a teenager this attitude has more merits than drawbacks. It saves you drama, cuts off the fakes and the snakes, and decreases your overall stress level while increasing dopamine levels. But as a child entering grade school, a potty mouth and distanced sociability are the literal opposite: everything is a bad word and friends make or break your primary school experience.

My jiu-jitsu kids, Quran kids, and my mom’s first grade class are to blame for this realization of my lack of upstanding character at the lower echelons of schooling. Children that come up to my thighs, boys and girls who’s giggles could end wars and cure cancer, who could give humanity a second chance the whole world over: David and Punchie, Benjamin and Ryder, Missy and Sara, Yusuf and Abdullah. Their gleaming eyes and glistening smiles, their loving hugs and inspiring laughs have caused me to defecate in my mind and destroy the smugness in who I am and how I conduct myself.

It is not for the world that I must adjust my adapted aggressiveness, but for these pure souls. I’m no role model, but they may take me as one. If that is ever the case, and they stray as a result of it, then I shall be held accountable for their misdeeds, as they’d be following the shadow that I’d have cast.

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One thought on “A Shitty Role Model

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